Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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