No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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