I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
