I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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