Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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