Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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