I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
