Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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