Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
