my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
