You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
