At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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