Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my being single is dangerous.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
