just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
