Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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