I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
