My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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