my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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