Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
