i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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