Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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