no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
