i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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