Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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