you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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