Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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