I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
