dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You can't motorboat a personality
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
