I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
