the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
