she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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