I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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