I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
