my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
