you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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