finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
