This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
