ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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