Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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