she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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