I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
