i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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