When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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