By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
