If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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