I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
