I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
