Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
