Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
