I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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