Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
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Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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