I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Your penis caused this!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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