Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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