Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
