I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
