Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We had to coat check the pizza.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
