She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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