At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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